The last time I wrote a post on this blog was the day I was nominated for a blogging award. It was December 17, and I had every intention of writing a post thanking the academy and the nominating committees. But now it is February 26. Though I am honored to have been nominated, in good conscience, I cannot accept the award.

I started this blog as a way to learn to write freely, without an agenda, and without being preachy in my writing. I wasn’t sure if I could do it. After all, I am good with structure, anecdote, followed by three points, wrapped up in a concluding anecdote.

I am also very direct. Instructing others (though some call it being bossy) and telling everyone where to go (read that how you will) comes naturally to this eldest of twelve children. I am good at being the driver, and not so good at just going along for the drive (I’m always the one in the back seat saying to those who are enjoying the scenery, “No, really, where are we going?”).

So when an editor I admire and respect (too much to reveal his name and have you swamp his desk with manuscripts) told me I needed to learn to do write more like Blue Like Jazz and less like a bad sermon, I didn’t think I could do it. But he wouldn’t let me fail. He said I could keep trying until I either got it right or proved to both of us that I couldn’t ever do it. (Is there a better picture of grace in the publishing industry? Who else lets you keep submitting until you get it right? Now you see why I am not mentioning names.)

But I didn’t even know how to begin.

My friend Sean recommended that I try blogging. He said it would be a great way to just write without an agenda. So I did. And it worked for me. It helped loosen me up as a writer, freed me from the three-point structure, and allowed me to take journeys I otherwise wouldn’t have gone on.

And it appears to have worked. My co-author Mark Herringshaw and I sold two books to Tyndale. The first, Six Prayers God Always Answers (Results May Vary) comes out in May.

So when I learned that my friend Cynthia Ruchti nominated me for a “Blogging with Purpose” award, I was doubly honored. I knew what my purpose was—it was to teach me to write better. It was a very selfish purpose and perhaps in some way this award is meant to acknowledge that.

But I don’t think so.

I know Cynthia well enough to know that while she would say that she cares about my writing (and she is sweet enough that she probably really does) she cares about other things a whole lot more. And one of the things that she cares about is a relationship with our Creator. That means that if Cynthia nominated my blog (and she did, you can read about it on hers) she saw a higher purpose than my original intention.

And that is where the true honor lies. If in playing around with words and lack of structure, a higher purpose has emerged–enough that someone else sees it and nominates me for an award–well than that is saying something. (Pun intended.)

But ultimately, I have to decline the award.

I may have selfish purposes, and I may have greater purposes, and some how they may all come out together in my purpose-driven blog, but ultimately I haven’t figured out how to do it in my life. I haven’t blogged since December. While I have all kinds of excuses about how busy I am, the holidays, book deadlines, etc. the truth is that sometimes my driven gets ahead of my purpose.

As I write this entry, I think of how many people I haven’t followed-up contact with. In this post alone, I think of how long it’s been since I chatted with Sean on the phone. I think of several things I need to thank that grace-demonstrating editor for, but haven’t. And worst of all, I haven’t yet responded to Cynthia’s email telling me that she had nominated me for a “Blogging with Purpose” award. (Did I mention she sent it December 17?)

So I am afraid that I cannot accept the award. The blog may once have had a purpose but has been silent for too long. And as for me? Apparently, I keep forgetting my real purpose. Yes, I still have a lot to do, but the award I am holding out for is a different one, “Doing Life with a Purpose.” It’s the one my friends and family will nominate me for. And I will get it when I finally start acting like my life purpose is bigger than the things that keep me driven.

~Jennifer